Someday...

So things have been out of control lately. I need to get a grip again. I feel like all of a sudden everything escaped me in the blink of an eye.

I wonder if forgiveness is real or if it is just something we are taught? I know at Sadie's daycare when she does something wrong to someone she is supposed to give the other person a forgiveness token but I just wonder if she is learning all of this in vain. I wonder if she is going to grow up to be like others and never forgive people. Hold grudges against them and only see the bad. I wonder is she is going to make the same mistakes that I did and never rid herself of the depression and angst that follows. I hope not. No, I pray not. I pray with every bit of my being that she lives a life that is a 1000x better than mine and that she has a 1000x more. This cycle of low self esteem, addiction and misery has to stop and I hope it stops with her. I hope she has an open heart and sees the good in others and forgives the bad. I truly hope she does.

I still cope everyday with forgiving myself and learning to move on. It is harder than it seems. It is even harder to struggle with where you want to be. I feel like right now all of the choices I make are going to effect my future but is it worth maintaining status quo to still be miserable at the end of the day? I just don't know. Of course though I blame myself and on one end I tell myself I deserve it. I know that may not be right but I think I have done nothing to deserve anything different so maybe that is right? My thoughts are convoluted on that subject. I really don't know.

Will anything ever live up to what I thought it would be? Will life ever be what I dream of or is that truly only for thoes lucky enough to be born into it? I just hope someday I find out.

Grief

How do you explain grief over something you never knew, never held, never touched or kissed?

I just want to breakdown every time I think about it.

I will never know if it was a boy or girl.

If it would have looked like Sadie.

It's little smile.

I will never get to hug my little one or smell that baby smell.

I know the little one is in a better place and someday I will be with him/her I guess I just don't understand why that time couldn't be now? Why was I teased with another little being only to have it ripped away? The excitement, anticipation, happiness that comes with a new baby...gone.

Slacker

So I am a complete blogging slacker.

Things happening in our life since April.

I have a new job which I just adore.

Steve has a new position at work.

We have successfully planted a ball of cells in my uterus.

Sadie is amazing and can pretty much carry on a conversation.

I am returning to school to keep on pursuing my masters in HR.

I am in love with pop music.

We are looking for a new car.

My bff is still my bff through thick and thin.

I love caffeine.

I have learned that sadly friends are more dependable then family.

Life is busy but good.

The Big Red Box

So a big red box was sitting on my doorstep yesterday. I was so excited I could hardly stand it. I have been selected to host an in home Disney party. It is awesome that I was selected because Disney is really something I am so passionate about that I love telling everyone I know about my love and admiration for all things Disney. So whats up with the big red box you ask? Inside were goodies so good I could not believe it. Here is a run down.

• Envelope with instructions
• Canvas Totes for everyone
• A special Mickey Mom's tote for me
• Goodie bags
• Wish maker craft
• Disney trivia craft
• Planning DVD
• Drawings to give as gifts to the guests with all the Disney princesses (I will be framing mine)

So I guess if I can not be a member of the Disney Moms panel, this is the next best thing.

Happy Birthday Sadie

So two years ago today, I became a mommy. Time flies. I can not believe she is 2 already. I am so grateful she picked me to be her mommy. I love you Sadie.