Someday...

So things have been out of control lately. I need to get a grip again. I feel like all of a sudden everything escaped me in the blink of an eye.

I wonder if forgiveness is real or if it is just something we are taught? I know at Sadie's daycare when she does something wrong to someone she is supposed to give the other person a forgiveness token but I just wonder if she is learning all of this in vain. I wonder if she is going to grow up to be like others and never forgive people. Hold grudges against them and only see the bad. I wonder is she is going to make the same mistakes that I did and never rid herself of the depression and angst that follows. I hope not. No, I pray not. I pray with every bit of my being that she lives a life that is a 1000x better than mine and that she has a 1000x more. This cycle of low self esteem, addiction and misery has to stop and I hope it stops with her. I hope she has an open heart and sees the good in others and forgives the bad. I truly hope she does.

I still cope everyday with forgiving myself and learning to move on. It is harder than it seems. It is even harder to struggle with where you want to be. I feel like right now all of the choices I make are going to effect my future but is it worth maintaining status quo to still be miserable at the end of the day? I just don't know. Of course though I blame myself and on one end I tell myself I deserve it. I know that may not be right but I think I have done nothing to deserve anything different so maybe that is right? My thoughts are convoluted on that subject. I really don't know.

Will anything ever live up to what I thought it would be? Will life ever be what I dream of or is that truly only for thoes lucky enough to be born into it? I just hope someday I find out.