Not Feeling So Well

So I have not been feeling good lately.

Sick
Drained
Weak
Lethargic
Pressure headache
Shallow breathing
Nausea
Confused and unclear thinking
Depressed
Freezing cold hands and feet

All of the above. I really hate feeling like this and it makes me extremely sad when I do. This is not a new thing for me at all. I have been getting these ill "spells" since I was around 14 years old. No, I'm not pregnant. I have seen countless doctors and been through countless tests and they can find nothing wrong with me. It is so frustrating to go through all of these tests and spend a ton of money only to find...nothing. Don't get me wrong I am grateful that nothing is wrong but I would still love an answer to my problems so I can then find a solution. It is a horrible process and feeling this way takes away my life. I vaguely could hear my husband and daughter playing and it made me feel worse to not be a part of it. Then I heard the took a wagon ride and it almost killed me.

Reason #600 why I love my husband: I am so grateful for such a supportive husband and one who STILL wanted to marry me even knowing that I have so many medical problems and illnesses. Thank you Steve, you make my life worth living; otherwise, I would just want to give up.

I am so grateful that my daughter is healthy and so full of life. She is amazing and every day she leaves me in awe of how much her brain grows and learns and is so full of energy and happiness. Sadie was quite sick when she was a baby, she had colic very badly, which drove mommy into pretty bad PPD. Then once the colic went away she had a wheezing problem and now that seems to have subsided. Thank God.

Sometimes I look at her and think I want a million more just like her. Then she has so much energy I just imagine that I am tired and worn down now, how would it be with 2? I just think though that she needs a sibling and it would be amazing to share our life with another child and build our family and memories together. Then I stop again and think about the financial aspect of everything. I have to work no doubt about it. I feel some days when I drop Sadie off at daycare or her grandmas that they get to experience life with her and see all of the little cute things she does and I miss out on everything. I have frequently said to my mother-in-law, "did you see/hear Sadie doing/saying ______?" She will then say, "she has been doing that for weeks." Then I feel like a horrible mother. A mom who is not there. A mom who does not even know her own child. Not a mom.

I also wonder if we have another child would we be able to provide him/her with the life that we want to give him/her? All of the things Sadie has been blessed with and all of the things she has gotten to do, Florida 3 times before she is even 2 years old, wonderful clothing and furniture, only the best food, swimming lessons, constantly getting books/toys/presents, huge parties to celebrate her life (birthday and baptism) special one-on-one time with mom/dad/grandmas, would our second child miss out on this plus more? Will Sadie end up missing out on things she would want to do because we wouldn't have the money? I wouldn't want her to resent us because she does not get the opportunities she wants because we selfishly wanted another child. Would the financial strain and struggle to balance careers be worth it?

I was trying to think the math out the other day.

Daycare is $50 a day per child.
2 kids x 2 days each x 4 weeks $800 a month.
(That is IF my mother-in-law can watch the 2 kids 2 days a week.)
Wow, so that means we will pay double the $4800 a year we pay now for Sadie.
=$9600 a year in just daycare alone!

That does not include all of the "new" things we would need for a baby.

Clothes (please, please, please let it be a boy!)
New Bedroom set (because hopefully it will be a boy)
New crib (since Sadie "ate" hers)
Bottles
Diapers
Formula
Baby Food
Medical Bills from delivery

So see this is my dilemma. We wanted to try for another next April when Sadie turns 2 but I guess we will see and pray about it. Will I get a better, closer to home job? Will Steve get a new better job? Will we get all of the bills paid off that we want to get paid off now?

Honda Fit
Steve's Work Van
2 nd Mortgage
Medical Bills
Student Loans (yuck)

I guess time will tell but for now I will leave you with my favorite baby names (IF we do have another baby we want his/her name to start with a C since my name is Catherine and Steve already has an S for Sadie).

Camden (my fav.)
Carson
Connor (Steve's fav.)

Camille
Adyson (still love it even if it does not start with a C)
Grace (Again still love it)